i already hear my dad disowning me
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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