i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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