There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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