I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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