thus making me awesome and them whores
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
