Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
