I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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