Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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