i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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