Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
