I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
