she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
