she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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