An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
