i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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