can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
