quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Randomize
