he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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