Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
