you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
