ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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