you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
