ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
not ubering you a puppy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
