Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
