I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
