We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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