Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
