I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
