I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I would ride that face into the sunset
why is half of my head shaved?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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