I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
