Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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