she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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