Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
