I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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