the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm at about main and main street
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
