It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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