My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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