fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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