3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Congratulations! We have a period
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
