He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
