This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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