ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
