I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
