I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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