god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
