There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
