I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
