My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
