He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
