Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
