I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i have two assholes
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
