he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
