Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
