I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
