dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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