I want to have your abortion
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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