Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Betty ford says i'm here all night
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
