I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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