my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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