He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
