I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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